Monday, April 14, 2014

Stitches - There's Nothing Funny About An Undead Clown

Stitches
2012
Directed by Conor McMahon
Written by Conor McMahon, David O'Brien
Starrring Ross Noble, Tommy Knight, Eoghan McQuinn

Rated R - Approx 86 Min
MPI Media Group
Tailored Films
Fantastic Films
Bórd Scannán na hÉireann 
Solid Entertainment

Tag Lines:
 - You'll Die Laughing
 - Bad Clown

Alternate Titles:
Böser Clown! (Evil Clown) - Germany
Mourir de Rire (Dying of Laughter) - France




"Everybody Happy?"
                           -Stitches

 "A clown is funny in the circus ring. But what would be the normal reaction to opening a door at midnight and finding the same clown standing there? A clown in the moonlight is not funny."  Those are the words of Lon Chaney Sr. and they ring as true today as when he first spoke them in the 1920's, perhaps even more so.  Coulrophobia (the fear of clowns) is a very real  phenomenon that affects a good many people today.  What exactly is it about a clown that frightens so many?

I may make this my next car......

As a former children's entertainer, I know how he feels....

The clown's painted face, which makes it impossible to identify the person underneath is a good start.  The painted on emotions masking perhaps it's wearer's true intentions and provides a canvas for us to project our innermost fears on.  The outlandish clothing seems completely alien to the normal person.  Clowns usually carry and arsenal of tricks and gags....purposeful deceit and trickery.  To be perfectly honest, I could probably write an entire dissertation on the effects of clowns in pop culture and the rise of coulrophobia since the 1980's, but we'll just keep things centered on one clown in particular today:  Stitches!

Well, that's unfortunate......

Stitches the Clown is portrayed as a less than ethical lower class kids show performer.  That is until he arrives to perform at little Tommy's birthday party.  The kids are all a bunch of ill mannered little shits who quite frankly all deserved severe lashings at the hands of their parents....but I digress.  An unfortunate mishap at the party (The kids tie his shoe laced together and then hit him in the face with a soccer ball, causing him to trip and fall face first onto a blade up knife in the open dishwasher.....mishap.....murder.....whatever you wanna call it) Stitches ends up at the ol' Big Top in the sky.


Because clowns aren't scary enough by themselves...they have to hang out in mausoleums

Welcome back, Stitches!


After Stitches funeral, things get really whacked out when a group of Cirque Du Soliel reject clowns arrive at the cemetery and perform a sacred ritual with an egg to bring Stitches back to life.  Flash forward a few years and Tommy & Co are in high school.  They're still an insufferable bunch of pricks.  Tommy's mother is going out of town so Tommy has a party with his friends.  You can see where this is going right?  Yep, you guessed it.  Stitches comes back from beyond the grave for vengeance.

Now a killer clown stalking kids may not be the most original of plots, but the film is pretty well executed.  The balance between humor and gore is pretty well done as well, with Stitches dispatching the kids in a variety of clownish ways.,  One of the more amusing has a kid getting his brain scoooped out bit by bit with an ice cream scoop as The Cutting Crew's "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight" is playing at the party.  Other fun deaths include a head explosion via a balloon pump and a head impalement via umbrella.


EYE think that probably hurts!  Get it?  GET IT?

Death by balloon pump!

Midnight Cinephile Tally

Death Toll
 - We've got 6 deaths on tap here, which ain't too bad!

Nude O Meter - No nudity but there is a rather shapely lass in her underwear.....

Things That Go Bump In The Night - Well, there's Stitches the Undead Clown.  Plus the other creepy clowns in the clown cult that were hanging out in the graveyard and brought Stitches back.

Well, that is just pure nightmare fuel.


Final Thoughts
If you're into killer clown movies then this one should hit the spot for you.  It's your typical low budget slasher flick, but it's fun.  I've always been fascinated by people's fears of clowns.  Personally, I don't have any fear of them, but I can see where some people would become uneasy.  I picked this one up on DVD at Best Buy for $5 and it's also streaming on Netflix, so there's really no reason NOT to check it out!


Final Rating
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Midnight Cinephile's Tome of Monsters

I love monsters.  I love monsters of all kinds.  From the most giant kaijus and behemoths to the tiniest horrors and everything in between.  It doesn't matter to me if they are extra-terrestrial, supernatural, created in a science lab or some undiscovered cryptid, each and every monster is an endless source of fascination to me and I want to explore them all.

When I was a kid, I was really into dinosaurs (like most red blooded boys).  The thought that these giant creatures once stood in my backyard was enough to set my young mind racing.  I had tons of books and had a good many species of dinosaur memorized.  I could spout off facts about them on the spot.  I begged my parents to take me the the museum to see the fossils over and over again.  Those were my first monsters.  My love of dinosaurs of course segued into kaiju movies and giant bug movies of the 50's.  As I grew older and started to explore the genre, I watched anything and everything that had to do with Monsters, Ghouls, Ghosts, Beasts, Creatures....you name it.  

My monster obsession didn't end with just movies though, oh no.  Being a child of the 80's I was also (and still am) an avid gamer.  I spent many a night glued to my TV screen playing Atari, Nintendo and my beloved Commodore 64.  Monsters I'd never even dreamed of appeared in pixilated format.  Of course as time went on, the computers and consoles became more advanced and so did the monsters in the games.

When I was in high school I really started to get the reading bug.  I read tons of Stephen King and Dean Koontz at the time.  Then I was introduced to the works on Edgar Allen Poe and H.P. Lovecraft.  My life was forever changed at the discovery of ancient cosmic horrors that could not be named and to describe them would be to go mad.  Cthulhu became an obsession for me (well before he was a pop culture icon, mind you.....but I'm glad that he's finally getting the recognition that he deserves!) as well as Dagon, Nyarlothotep and of course the Mi-Goo.

I looked for monsters everywhere I went and the 80's were a good time to be a monster fan.  Everything from stickers to trading cards to toys to games to movies....hell even metal bands would paint monsters on their albums.

Hence, The Tome of Monsters.  My personal guide to monsters from anywhere and everywhere.  Movies, Books, Music, Games, Toys, Posters, Folklore, etc.....anything and everything goes.  The idea is that each entry will show a picture of the monster (if there's one available....God help you if I have to draw the damn thing.....I can't draw worth a damn) as well as all the information I can find about it.  For those obscure monsters that may not have any information available about them, I guess I will have to speculate on....or hopefully be able to reach it's creator for some insight.

Anyways, I hope that you dig this new side project.  Perhaps if there's a good enough response I will consider putting the Tome into print format.  We'll see!  Stay tuned for the first entry comin' at ya SOON!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Contamination .7 - Attack of the Radioactive Tree Roots

Contamination .7
1993
 - Directed by
Joe D'Amato (as David Hills) &
Fabrizio Laurenti (as Martin Newlin)
 - Written by
Rossella Drud, Fabrizio Laurenti, Albert Lawrence,
Daniele Stroppa (as Daniel Steel)
 - Starring 
Mary Sellers, Jason Saucier, Bubba Reeves

Rated R - Approx 91 Min
Filmirage


Taglines:
 - They Hunt...They Feed...They Kill...You're Next!

 - They Grow, They Know, They Stalk, They Kill, Not Your Average Houseplant.....


Alternate Titles:
 La Maldición De Los Creepers (The Curse of the Creepers) - Argentina
Contamination 7 - Brazil  
Creepers - UK
The Crawlers -USA 
Troll 3 -USA

Troll III: Contamination Point 7 - USA





"Just shut up and play with your carnivorous plant!"
                                                                                -Josie


What happens when the local power plant dumps it's radioactive toxic waste in the local woods?  Radioactive killer tree roots, that's what!  It's not the whole tree that goes all homicidal and carnivorous, oh no, it's just the roots.  That's really unfortunate for Josie who just got back into her small town from "The City".   Apparently a fella named Matt has been waiting for her return for some time.  From what I gathered she was engaged to Matt and then left town.

Josie was on a vacation far away.....

"Hey Josie welcome back!  I'll just take my pants off now..."

As they try to rekindle their romance people start dying off under mysterious circumstances.  When the pair come across the corpse of a girl in the woods, they report it to the sheriff (who's lines crack me the hell up.  His delivery is so scenery chewing and so over the top ridiculous it's truly a sight to behold!) who immediately claims that he doesn't believe them, accusing them of snorting some drugs that Josie must have brought from the "Big City".

You can always blackmail an alcoholic with minimal problems

Brian and Matt ponder their next move in the battle against radioactive vegetation

Turns out the sheriff is in cahoots with the power plant manager.  They are trying to keep the whole thing under wraps.  A drunken scientist at the plant joins up with Matt and Josie as well as Brian, a young man who comes to town after his grandfather dies of mysterious circumstances(i.e., radioactive tree roots).  The group further recruit Josie's Mom and little brother and Matt's father.  The group set out to warn the town and try and put an end the the radioactive carnivore plants.  To do so it would see that they need to find where the power plant is dumping the waste so they can clean it out.

As I mentioned already, the acting in this one ranges from barely passable to outright ludicrous.  The sheriff, the power plant manager and a few other characters are about about as bad as bad gets.  But man, I'll tell you what....it leads to some of the funniest moments in the film.  The so called radioactive roots are nothing more than rubber hoses painted up to look like tree roots.  When they creep along the ground they make a crunchy noise like someone walking through heavy brush.....but when they attack, it's the most hilarious whipping sound you've ever heard.  And it's constant.

Say, you've got something on your face there.....

It's all fun and games......

I was actually rather surprised that some of the cinematography was quite nice, which in turn created a sort of imbalance with the acting...which created a very wonky mood which, quite truthfully, I really dug.  The music is your typical "written-and-performed-by-one-dude-on-his-Casio-keyboard-his-parents-got-him-for-Christmas" variety, but it all just adds to the surreal fun of the film.  There are a few good gore effects, which we'll get into in the Tally.

This film is known in some circles as Troll 3.  Why?  Who the hell knows!  It was put out by Filmirage, who owned the rights to Troll 2 and more than likely were trying to just cash in on the name.  There is absolutely NO TROLLS in this film.  Trolls are not even hinted at.  Now to make things even more confusing, another film called The Quest for the Mighty sword is also known as Troll 3 in some places....as well as being called Ator IV:  The Hobgoblin....and also Hobgoblins in yet other places.  This is like the whole damn Zombi thing all over again.  But I digress.....let's check the MC Tally, shall we?


Time to call in the cavalry!

I think we're getting to the.....wait for it.....wait for it.....ROOT of the problem here


Midnight Cinephile Tally

Death Toll - So, I BELIEVE that the death toll is 14 on this one, but to be honest it was a little rough to count during the films climax.  Put it this way...there are some ASSUMED deaths that I put in there....but still there's a much bigger body count than I would have expected!  For the most part, there's not much gore, but there are a few good gags including the corpse of the girl that was hitchhiking and of course the films famous Tree Root Eye Gouging Scene!


Nude-O-Meter - No full nudity but in one scene you see just a bit of nipple of the town.....er......working girl.  Other than that nuffin.

Things That Go Bump In The Night -   Radioactive Tree Roots!  It's not often that combination of words comes up, but when it does....use it as much as possible, that's what I say!  Keep an eye out for the "giant" roots at the films climax.

Final Thoughts
If ever there was a film that deserved the MST3K treatment, it's this one!  If you've got some like minded friends that love to make fun of bad movies, then order up a pizza, get the beer flowing and have fun with this one.  Or if you're like me and you can count the amount of friends willing to subject themselves to this level of cinematic cheese on one finger, then order that pizza (get extra cheese....treat yourself!) and your favorite beverage and make it a bad movie night.  This film is currently available on Shout Factory!'s All Night Horror Marathon Volume 2 collection.  Don't miss it!



Final Rating
Two out of Five Pizza Rolls

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

+1 - Invasion of the Inter-Dimensional Dopplegangers

+1
2013
Directed by Dennis Iliadis
Written by Bill Gullo & Dennis Iliadis

Starring Rhys Wakefield, Logan Miller & Ashley Hinshaw

Unrated - Approx.  95 Min.
Process Films
Process Media

Tag Lines:
 - Everyone Wants One

Alternate Titles:
Plus One (Worldwide alt. spelling)
Ενας ακομα (Another)  Greece






"Everybody listen!  We're all in danger!"
                                                                - Ted


I was genuinely surprised by +1.  I went into it not really expecting much and what I got in return was a tight little thriller that oozes an unsettling atmosphere.  Sure it's got it's flaws, but if you allow it to just unfold without over thinking it, then what you've got is a freaky little doppelganger flick to a social commentary on the "Us vs. Them" mentality.
Hhhmmmm....that doesn't look normal.

So is Brenda David or Teddy's +1?

The film starts with a young man, David, kissing another girl, only to be caught by his girlfriend, Jill.  David and his best friend, Teddy head to a party that Jill will be at so that he can try and win her back.  Things are not going to go exactly to plan though, because a meteorite crashes to Earth not far from David's house, releasing a strange electric charge that travels through the electric wires.

Playing tennis with a flaming ball indoors = SO FUCKING METAL!

"Well this is awkward......"

This electricity makes it's way towards the party as well.  When it reaches the transformer on the pole outside the house the party is being held at, it blows the transformer causing a blackout.  When the lights come back on, there are a new set of guests at the party.  Exactly like the guests that are already there, but about 15 minutes in the past.

OH hey!  The strippers are multiplying!!!

Is it suicide if you kill your.....erm.....self?

I wish that I could do a better job of describing exactly what the hell is going on, but that's really he best I can do.  Every time there is a blackout, a new set of doppelgangers appears, closer in time to the original people.  What will happen when the two timelines meet?  What is causing this anomaly?  How did Teddy manage to score with the incredibly hot Melanie?  Some questions just don't have answers.  The ending is a little frustrating, but at the same time it makes you think.  This is definitely one of those films that you have to pay attention to.  If you lose focus for a minute, you're likely to get extremely lost.

Midnight Cinephile Tally

Death Toll:  I'm gonna shoot straight with ya here.....I'm not real sure on how to answer this one.  There are multiple deaths, and yet there are none.  It makes my brain hurt.  Even if I wanted to put a number on the death toll, I couldn't.  The finale is a bit confusing and it was impossible to tell who was being killed and who wasn't.  Trust me.  It's better not to try and figure it out.

Nude O Meter:  Melanie gets full on naked.  And so does her doppelganger so that's fun.  There are a few assorted topless girls throughout the party and of course the strippers in the climax.  Heh heh....I said climax while talking about boobies.  I'm so immature.

Things That Go Bump In The Night:  Well, you've got the alien electricity.  That's something.  Sorta.  There's them.  There's us.  There's a whole lot of WTF in between!


Final Thoughts

Again.....this is certainly not the film to pop in when you're looking for some mindless entertainment.  At times you'll be scratching your head a bit and other times you'll feel like you're just a bit more clever than the movie.  Either way, it's a fun and at times though provoking piece of cinema with some beautiful cinematography and a disturbing ambiance.  The whole film feels like some sort of strange fever dream.


Final Rating
Four out of Five Pizza Rolls


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Video Demons Do Psychotown - Psychic Slashers Stalk Students

Video Demons Do Psychotown
1989
Directed by Alessandro De Gaetano 
Written by Alessandro De Gaetano

Starring Ron Arragon, Donna Baltron, Dave Elliott

Rated R - Approx 87 Min
Troma Entertainment

Taglines:
 - You wouldn't want to live there, but it's a nice place to die!
 - WARNING:  The Psychotown Surgeon General Has Determined That Television Viewing Is Hazardous To Your Heath!!!

Alternate Titles:
Bloodbath in Psycho Town - Original Title 






"I've taken nine hours of Abnormal Psych.....I've read it all!"
                                                                                               - Eric


This took me by surprise a bit.  While I was expecting the usual kind of late 80's/early 90's fare that Troma distributed back in the day, what I got was something quite different and definitely not for everyone. Video Demons Do Psychotown is perhaps a more fitting moniker than the original Bloodbath title because there really isn't too much going on in the way of bloodshed.  Sure there's a few murders but I would hardly call it a bloodbath.

Eric and Karen are fighting before the title screen even hits!  

Wow.  That's a very artsy craftsy town sign you guys got there....

Eric, a film student, and his girlfriend Karen head to Casa Della, which is small town that is filled with witches and psychics.  Eric's father bought an old house and is renovating it to turn it into a hotel for psychics.  Eric decides that this strange town will be a good subject for his final film project for school and heads out to make a documentary about the town.

Right off the bat they get a chilly reception from the locals.  Karen is getting bad vibes and having premonitions (she apparently has The Gift as well) which Eric discounts because he doesn't believe in such stuff.  Karen's visions and feelings grown stronger after arriving at the hotel and discovering that there was a deadly accident a week before they arrived.  She starts to see walls covered in blood and a man being stabbed in the gut.

Anyone with hair that poofy has GOT to be evil

It would seem that the locals can sense Karen's abilities and they want her gone before they expose their secret.  What secret is that?  Well to be honest it's never really fully revealed, but if you've been paying attention thus far then you can pretty well figure out that they murdered fellow by the name of Packard who pretty much owned the town and was a world class douche nugget.


What we are left with is essentially a murder mystery, combined with a haunted house story, combined with a tale of psychics and witches, combined with a slasher film, topped off with some possession undertones and a general sense of strangeness.  The film is extremely slow paced, but there is also something mesmerizing about it.  Perhaps it's the bad acting.  Perhaps it's the wonky dialog.  Maybe it's the melted crayon blood that they use.
YAY!  Melted Crayon Blood is the best!

"Hey, you okay?"

Let's talk about the acting and dialog for a moment, shall we?  Eric and Karen are seemingly perpetually at each other's throats.  Either they are sneering at each other or making a snide remark to one another.  If they're not doing either one of those things, then Eric is once again telling Karen how he doesn't believe in psychic powers after she tells him that she's had another vision or premonition.  This will lead to another fight which will then lead to a really awkward sex scene.  Though one of my favorite moments is when Eric is trying to explain away all of Karen's psychic feelings and visions by saying "Maybe you're allergic to electricity!"  From that moment on, I completely fell in love with this film.

Midnight Cinephile Tally

Death Toll - Four, if you wanna count the flashback murder of Mr. Packard.  We get a couple of stabbings, one head impalement and one death by tree!

Nude O Meter - We get to see Karen's boobs and her butt a few times.  You ladies can look forward to Eric's butt and a shot that reveals that he keeps up on his.....er.....manscaping.

Things That Go Bump In The Night - While there are no supernatural monsters per se....we do get some rather foul tempered psychics (they might be witches) and we get the disembodied voice of Mr. Packard as he tries to communicate with Karen.

Nothing to see here.....

Final Thoughts
This film was all over the place.  Ghosts coming back from beyond the grave, evil psychics trying to keep a lid on the illicit goings on of their small town and a slasher in a yellow rain coat.  The film even tries to delve into the mysteries of the human mind and whether or not it is possible to communicate with machines!  Some of that was actually fairly effective.  Every time Karen has a psychic flash when she's filming with the camera, it causes an anomaly when played back.  This anomaly is a psychic imprint of sorts and another attempt at communication from Mr. Packard's ghost.  There are some decently effective scenes of the students sitting in front of TV monitors watching the tapes trying to unravel the mystery.

Cause that's not creepy having a video face stare at you while you sleep....

As I said in the beginning....I was very surprised by this film by the end of it.  What started out as slow and plodding eventually morphed into strange and surreal.  This is absolutely a film that will make it's way into my repeat viewing rotation.  You can rent the disc from Netflix or you can watch the entire film on You Tube!  If you are willing to put some time and work into the film, then you will be rewarded.  Just don't go into it expecting a non stop thrill ride!


Final Rating
Three out of Five Pizza Rolls

Monday, March 3, 2014

A Touch Of Crimson On A Few Acres Of Snow Trailer & Poster

As you no doubt have noticed I haven't been very active over the last month and there's good reason for that.  I've been busy putting my first short film into production!

A Touch Of Crimson On A Few Acres of Snow is my first foray into the filmmaking world (unless you want to count the sixth grade masterpiece of sci-fi horror, Attack of the Mutant Killer Squirrels From Outer Space).

So without further adieu, I give to you the very first poster and trailer for
A Touch Of Crimson On A Few Acres Of Snow!





Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Black Spot - Byway to the Danger Zone!

You may recall back in 2012, I reviewed a short film by UK filmmaker Luther Bhogal-Jones.  A short fear flick that had me thinking twice about checking out that strange noise I heard downstairs.  Now Luther is back with a new tale of terror, this time ensuring that I'll never stop for another stranded motorist or car broken down again!  Damn!

Comin' at ya in Psychotronic 3D!!!!!!!!

The Black Spot is a six minute micro-budget shocker that was shot on a £28 3D camera not much bigger than your standard Blackberry.  Without even getting into plot, I can already tell you that this is AWESOME!  Not only do you get the 2D version...but you also get a choice between the good ol' fashioned Red/Cyan anaglyph 3D (which of course requires a pair of hokey Red/Cyan cardboard 3D glasses to enjoy!) and also a more modern stereoscopic 3D for viewing on modern 3D televisions!  I've watched it all three ways and I personally love the good ol' fashioned Red/Cyan.  I'm a sucker for nostalgia.  So sue me.  The stereoscopic 3D is also very nice and actually produces a much crisper 3D image.....like I said, it was purely nostalgia that won me over with the anaglyph 3D.  Of course if all else fails, there's nothing wrong with good ol' 2D, though Bhogal-Jones specifically made this film to be seen in 3D...so you should at least attempt to view it that way.

Okay, so what's the film about?

A guy named Paul is stranded on a lonesome road out in the countryside.  Having no other options but to walk for help, Paul wanders his way down the road....passing an usual amount of missing person posters as well as floral arrangements commemorating someone's roadside death.  He eventually comes across what appears to be another car broken down on the side of the road.  What happens from there is what will keep me from stopping to help another stranded motorist ever again!  To say any more would be to give away the twist and of course you know that's not how I roll.

That is NOT a safe way to shave......
What I will say is that this is a worthy follow up to Creak.  It is quite opposite Creak in a good many ways.  Where as Creak took place at night, The Black Spot's horrors unfold during the day....granted it's a dreary, rainy day.  Creak involved a supernatural danger.  The Black Spot's antagonists are quite human.  I think.  Hey, I could be wrong!  Creak was very subtle and it built it's scares on tension and fear of the dark.  The Black Spot is in your face 3D, baby!  Get some!

Once again, Bhogal-Jones has proven himself a capable director.  He uses the film's 6 minute run time very well.  At such a length, there is no time for lengthy exposition....or much exposition at all.  It allows the viewer to fill in the blanks themselves.

Judging by the look on Paul's face this car is more trouble than it's worth

The soundtrack is quite effective in this film.  Written and orchestrated by  Mikolaj Holowko, the industrial soundtrack is a long way from it's original conception, which was a horror themed take on Art of Noise's "(Close) To The Edit"!  Coincidentally after learning this, I decided to watch the film silently, replacing the soundtrack with said pop song on loop.  Let's just say that it's a totally different experience.  Not quite on the level with The Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon....but still.....a fun little experiment!

The Black Spot is the second feature to fall under the Sincerely, Psycopath banner, which is reserved for horror fare from Faster Productions.  Next up is the short "Knock, Knock" which is currently in production (and I'm sure we'll get a chance to view here at Midnight Cinephile upon it's release!)

Luther Bhogal-Jones sets up a shot.

If you would like to watch The Black Spot, you can check it out here:

                                                  www.vimeo.com/fasterproductions

Final Thought:
The Black Spot is s tight little thriller that invokes a trashy grindhouse vibe in the best way, especially when viewed in Red./Cyan anaglyph 3D!  I can't wait to see what Luther comes up with next!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Horror Packs 2 - Support Charity While Getting Your Horror Groove On!



My good friend Brandon over at Movies At The Dog Farm alerted me to this great new package.

Horror Packs 2 is a horror bundle that is available in two different tiers.  You decide what you want to pay.  Some of the money goes to the filmmakers and the rest goes to charity.....not unlike that Humble Bundle packs that are available to gamers.

Horror Pack 2 - Tier 1 - Pay  a minimum of $2

You receive two films and two music albums:

The films you receive in Tier 1 are:
(synopsis and descriptions direct from the website)

Blood Brothers (Short Film) - Michael and Lindsay have the perfect marriage, the perfect house, and the perfect life together. Little do they know everything is about to change. After coming home from celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary, the couple receive surprise visitors that will change both of their lives forever. Family ties run deep but, in Michael’s case, they run blood deep. Blood will be shed and secrets will be revealed that will keep you guessing until the final shocking moment.

The Bloody Pit of Horror:  When a photographer and a group of models choose what appears to be an abandoned castle for their next shoot, they stumble into the realm of a maniac intent on executing anyone that comes near the castle. Plenty of creative torture devices and general absurdity in this one!

The albums you recieve in Tier 1 are:

Ghoulshow - Tales from the Netherworld:  From Graveyard Calling Records comes Ghoulshow’s blood-drenched electronic album that combines the sounds of classic horror soundtracks with drum & bass and dubstep for a modernized touch.

“a beautiful love song to 50s B-movies via hard electronic dance beats! Ghoulshow has crafted his art and created an album that transports listeners to the worlds he creates digitally offering a highly visual sonic experience and comes highly recommended.”
- Mark Pidgeon, UK Horror Scene

The Panic Beats - Without Warning:  The third release from one man horror punk band The Panic Beats continues the trend of catchy pop-punk infused with a stark contrast of dark lyrics. Without Warning also has one of the coolest covers we’ve ever seen, with artwork by Rick Melton, who’s known for his Arrow Video cover artwork.

“The fact that the Panic Beats manage to make these songs so goddamn tuneful and memorable only makes them that much creepier. It’s disturbing to sing along to any album with a cover this depraved. That being said, you should totally get it.”
- Rock Star Journalist


Tier 2 is available starting at a minimum of $6

Tier 2 includes everything in Tier 1 PLUS:


Film:
Colony:
from Apprehensive Films

When Jim Mathews, a sales rep for a genetic design firm, gets caught cheating on his wife she doses him with an experimental serum, causing his limbs to fall off and turn into a pack of bloodthirsty monsters. Thus forming a “Colony.” To satisfy his unnatural hunger, Jim preys on hot young women.

“Colony” was originally released in 1998 under the title “Colony Mutation” by E.I. (now Pop Cinema) on VHS. Shock Cinema Magazine called it “genuinely creepy” and it had a multi-page spread in Fangoria issue #161. The movie was shot on Super-8mm film, making for a truly gritty and unnerving viewing experience.

Album:
Tommy Creep - Vacant Tombs and Full Moons:  Tommy Creep’s style, aptly labeled horrorstep, is demonstrated perfectly in this hard-hitting album from Graveyard Calling Records. There’s more than enough quotes and references contained in this album to keep even the most dedicated horror fan guessing at times.

“…like a Prodigy album with John Carpenter as the front man.”
- Mark Pidgeon, UK Horror Scene

PC Game:
Enola:  Enola is a horror/adventure game about love, hate, and death. You play as a young girl on a mysterious place, looking for her missing girlfriend. However, as you explore this world, you find there is something dark and evil lurking in the shadows. You’ll have to be quick and cunning to survive. Do you have what it takes to save your loved one before it’s too late?

If you need even FURTHER incentive there are also another two mystery titles that will be unlocked later on when more of the packs have been sold.  All purchases support Child's Play Charity as well as The Electronic Frontier Foundation.

GET YOUR HORROR ON HERE!
http://horrorpacks.com/

Friday, February 7, 2014

Microwave Massacre - Gourmet Murder in Minutes!

Microwave Massacre
1983
Directed by Wayne Berwick
Written by: Thomas Singer (screenplay) Craig Muckler (story)
Starring: Jackie Vernon, Loren Schein & Al Troupe

Unrated - Runtime Approx 76 Min.



Taglines:
None

Alternate Titles:
La masacre del microondas (The Slaughter of the Microwave)  Spain
Γεύματα φρίκης (Meals Horror)  Greece

Mikrofalowe morderstwo  (Microwave Murder)  Poland




"M-M-M-May?  In the microwave?"
                                                      -Donald



One of the classics of the VHS era, I don't think that there was a Mom & Pop video store around that didn't have this one in their horror section.  I can only imagine how many horror freaks like me saw this awesome Thriller Video box and imagined a visceral and gory romp.

Technically May gave Donald crabs...heh heh....
Yeah, yeah, I'm immature.

May serves up some ungodly gourmet creation

What we get instead is basically a screwball comedy with some gore effects.  The film follows a construction worked named Donald (played by none other than Jackie Vernon who was the voice of Frosty the Snowman!) whose wife, May, has decided that she will only cook gourmet meals with her brand new top of the line microwave.  Poor Donald just wants something plain and easy to eat.

After their fight, May goes to pieces.
Literally. 
I wonder if he wants to hold the MAY-o
Jesus the jokes are bad this time around, aren't they?

A guy can only take so much and after coming home drunk one night and finding that May has yet again cooked an inedible conglomeration of so called gourmet ingredients.  After a fight and demanding a bologna sandwich, Donald kills May in a drunken rage.  When he wakes up in the morning he has no recollection of what he's done.  He's not all that distraught when he discovers that he's shoved his dead wife in her beloved microwave.  Trying to hide the evidence, Donald cuts her up and hides her remains in the freezer.

One night he accidentally eats a bit of her arm and finds her quite tasty.  He lets his work buddies try some of the May Meat and they love it, though they do say it tastes a bit "old".  Thus begins Donald's killing spree....finding young nubile women, bringing them home, banging them and then turning them into meat dishes!silly

Frosty...er...Donald puts the moves on his first meal....er...victim.

BOOBS!

It is a little weird listening to Frosty the Snowman as he talks to his therapist, telling him how he can't get off unless he eats the woman afterwards.  Literally, eats her.  Other funny moments include Donald having dreams of making sandwiches out of naked women lying on his kitchen table, complete with giant slices of bread and giant knife with mayonnaise!

Dinner's Ready!

Midnight Cinephile Tally

Death Toll:  In total we've got five deaths here!  Not bad....not good, but not bad.

Nude O Meter:  We've got a good three pair of boobs to oogle here!

Things That Go Bump In The Night:  Donald the Cannibalistic Microwave Murderer!

Final Thoughts
To be perfectly honest, while it was good for a laugh I can't see myself going back to revisit this movie often.  It's got everything that I should love in a trash flick, boobs, body parts and a ridiculous premise (not to mention the voice of Frosty as a serial killer!), yet I found myself not having that much fun with it.  Definitely an all to typical case of the amazing box art outshining the movie, but hey, I'm still glad I saw it!

Final Rating
Two out of Five Pizza Rolls