Saturday, May 23, 2015

I Was Bitten: The Walker County Incident - Cryptid Curiosity



As you may or may not know, it's Monster Week on Animal Planet.  Well, at this point it's the tale end of Monster Week, which is going to culminate with the premier of a film called The Cannibal in the Jungle....which is apparently about a guy who either survived a cannibal attack in a jungle, or murdered his friends and tried to blame it on cannibals.  Firstly, I'm not sure what the heck that has to do with animals....so I'm not sure why that movie would be debuting on Animal Planet.  Secondly....why does THIS get released yet Eli Roth's The Green Inferno languishes in distribution hell?  WHY? 

Anyway, as I was watching a marathon of Monsters & Mysteries in America today (what can I say, I'm a sucker for poorly recreated supernatural events!) and I saw a commercial for I Was Bitten.  I was intrigued to say the least.  I told the Mrs. about it and we tuned in at 7pm (Eastern Standard) and settled in for what we thought was going to be a two hour documentary about a dude that had a close call with some sort of cryptid. 

The show focuses on a man named Daniel who claims that he was attacked by an unknown creature while he was out in the woods one day.  His wife, Krsytal (as well as his mother and step-father) is worried about him because he's been acting rather strange.  He's become completely obsessed with finding this mystery critter and making sure that he and his family are safe.

We follow along as Daniel becomes more and more obsessed as his health seems to decline slightly.  His wife convinces him to go to the hospital to get checked out and have some tests run.  The doctor states that she cannot identify the animal that bit him from the bite marks.  The doctor also suggests that Daniel see a psychiatrist to help him work through the obvious PTSD that he's going through.  He does go to see a hypnotist at one point, hoping to help him remember some of the details that are a bit fuzzy.  The session does not go well, when Daniel becomes agitated.

************************SPOILER WARNING**************************************

I've gotta say that they had me going along hook, line and sinker.  While I won't spoil the end of this "special", I will say that I was very surprised by the end, which immediately signaled that this entire documentary had indeed been fictional.  Quite impressively, both the Mrs and I thought we were watching a bona-fide Animal Planet documentary right up until the last 10 seconds!  Sure, there were moments here and there that had me questioning exactly what in the hell was going on, but goddamned if it didn't come out of nowhere and smack me upside the head! 

Having said that, it's very well done and I'll admit that I became invested in Daniel & Krystal and their life and truly wanted to see Daniel get the help he needed while simultaneously hoping to catch a glimpse of the mystery beast. Turns out, it was all a great bit shame!  Fool me once......

Cie la vie, as they say.




Monday, May 11, 2015

The Houses October Built - Extreme Screams

The Houses October Built
2014
Directed by Bobby Roe
Not Rated - Approx 91 Min
Room 101/Foreboding Films

Taglines:
None


Alternate Titles:
None












Waaaaaaaaaaay back in October, I had James Harris aka Doc Terror on the MC Podcast and we discussed this film.  I had not seen it at that point, but you can bet your sweet ass that I was intrigued.  About a week after the podcast aired, I finally got a chance to sit down and watch the film on Amazon Streaming.  Sort of.  See, that was the month that I also found out that the useless internet service provider (HughesNet...which is my ONLY option deep in the woods of New Hampshire, apparently) only allows me 20GB of data a month.  That's what $130 gets me.  Useless.  I got about halfway through the film and then my bandwith was cut down to just about nothing and had to wait a week and a half to get service back, by which point my digital rental had obviously expired.  But anyway....I'm sure you don't really care about my internet problems, so let's get on with the film review, shall we?


I finally got around to picking up Houses on Blu Ray a while back and I watched it as a double feature with Digging Up The Marrow and I've gotta say, it paired quite nicely.  The film is another found footage flick, but it plays more like a documentary than anything else for most of the running time.  It revolves around five friends who rent an RV and set out on a quest the week before Halloween to find the most "extreme" haunted house.

Things begin predictably as they go to a few run of the mill haunt locations and see your standard actors dressed as clowns and creepy masked characters.  The haunts themselves while fun are nothing that impresses the group.  They begin to here of a group called The Blue Skeleton which has no designated location, and travels around from year to year.  The only way to find this mysterious haunt is to be invited.


After sniffing around, asking some questions and pissing off some of the local backwoods scare actors, they pick up the trail of The Blue Skeleton....or rather....The Blue Skeleton picks up on them.  A series of bizarre and freaky occurrences begin to plague the group as they make their way towards their ultimate fate.  A video appears online in a haunt forum depicting the entire group sleeping in their RV.  What looks like an animal heart is left in their refrigerator.  Halloween masks are left on their windshield wipers and lots of other stuff that would have had me sayin "Aw, HELL NO!" and getting the heck out of dodge.  But of course if our heroes did that, then there wouldn't be much of a movie, would there?


I must say that it doesn't paint scare actors in a very positive light.  I've never worked directly as a scare actor at a haunt, but I did work very closely with a haunt one year when  I developed a gothic illusion show (back in my magic days) to entertain the crowds in conjunction with the haunt.  I met all the scare actors and they were all really great people.  I never came across one who seemed mentally disturbed to me.  Granted that was at just one haunt....and I'm sure that there are some seriously messed up hombres and hombrettes (I just invented another new word!) out there who are scare actors....but this kinda made it look like they were all a few scoops short of a milkshake if ya catch my drift!

GORE 
No "real" gore, but plenty of make up gore at the various haunts they go to.

T&A 
Negative.

MONSTERS
Tons of ghouls, goblins, ghosts and fucked up clowns at the various haunts!

FINAL THOUGHTS
I've always had a soft spot for haunted houses and other haunted attractions, so I had a really good time with this one.  I'm also a sucker for road trip movies of pretty much any kind so that scratched that itch as well.  As far as found footage flicks go, it goes pretty easy on the shaky camera, so if you're the type that gets motion sickness from FF films, then you should be okay with this one.  Definitely worth checking out....especially in October before you go to some local (Or NOT local) haunts!


Midnight Cinephile Podcast Episode 5.5

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey kids!

Episode 5.5 of the Midnight Cinephile Podcast is live!  My apologies for being a day late....sometimes you just can't fight the flying fickle finger of fate, know what I mean?  Better late than never though, I say!

It's another .5 episode which means it's a half hour of terror tunes, spooky sounds and maniacal music.  I hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed putting it together!




As always, you can listen right here on the website, download via the RSS feed, download from iTunes or you can download it right off of LibSyn!

Until next time.....Stay Spooky!


Monday, May 4, 2015

Midnight Cinephile Episode V: The Cinephile Strikes Back

Okay, so this episode has nothing to do with Star Wars, but honestly....it's Episode V....when am I going to be able to use that again?

At long last Midnight Cinephile Episode V is upon us.  As I mentioned last week when I put up episode 4.5, we've been making some tweeks and adjustments and playing a bit with the format.  I think you're gonna dig what we've come up with so far.

In this episode two new segments make their debut:

Pixilated Horrors:
Taking a look at horror in gaming.  Could be any console...could be PC....but each week we'll take a look at a spooky little bit of gaming goodness.
This week, I take a look back at an obscure game for the NES called Monster Party.  It's a fun little romp with lots of zany monsters and a ton of fun.

Monster Mag Time Warp:
Each episode I take a look at a monster/horror mag from the past and review it's contents.
This week I take a look at Fangoria #12...the April/May issue from 1981!  We read Bob Martin's editorial regarding the gore in the magazine as well as take a look at some "Upcoming Movies" reported in the "Monster Invasion" segment.  Don't miss it!

On top of these two segments, of course is the meat 'n' potatoes of the mag.....where we talk film!  I'm joined this week by my lovely wife as we discuss The Babadook, From A Whisper To A Scream, Cellar Dweller and Lucio Fulci's The Beyond.

Like candy for the ears!  You can listen here online or follow any of the following download links!

Stay Spooky!





You can also download from LibSyn HERE
Follow The RSS Feed on the upper right corner of the page
Or listen using the player at the bottom of the page!


Monday, April 27, 2015

Midnight Cinephile Episode 4.5

Hey Gang!

Exciting News!
Midnight Cinephile's podcast is back and better than ever!  Even MORE exciting is that it will be coming to you EVERY WEEK!  We've been playing around with the format a bit and found a way to bring you content every single darned week.

Starting this week, we're introducing the ".5" episodes, which are going to be 30 - 60 minute episodes that are going to bring you some Spooky Sounds and Terror Tunes as well as news, updates, perhaps a few insights and other fun bits of aural candy.

On the the next week will be a full episode, discussing films & tv as well as music, books, comics, video games and anything else that happens to catch our fancy.

I hope you enjoy and I welcome any and all feedback!

Drop me an email at midnitecinephile@gmail.com and I'll read your feedback on the air.
or record and MP3 and send it to the same email and I'll play your MP3 on the air!

You can listen to the podcast by clicking the play button below, or use the player on the upper right hand side of the page. 

You can download from Liberated Syndication HERE
You can also download from iTunes!

Enjoy!



Friday, April 24, 2015

Muck - Night of the Albino Booby Bandits

Muck
2015
D: Steve Wolsh
W: Steve Wolsh

S: Lachlan Buchanan, Puja Mohindra, Bryce Draper
Not Rated - Approx 90 Min.
WithAnO Productions

Tagline:
 - The Lucky Ones Are Already Dead

Alternate Titles:
None










*********************WARNING**********************************************NSFW*************************



"How can to take a piss at a time like this?"
                                                                       -Chandi



 Okay.  This is going to be a bit of a challenge for me.  I'm going to be completely honest and up front with you:  I hated this movie.  I try my best not to be negative and if you've read Midnight Cinephile for any length of time you know I take a firm stance against movie bashing.  So I am going to go ahead and try and review this film without harping on the negatives too much.  Bear with me.


Our "Heroes"

We start out with a bang as a group of friends come crashing out of some boggy marshes.  First out is a chick wearing a bra & panties and heavy rubber fishing boots.  Her friends soon join her.  One of them is clearly pretty seriously injured.  It's unknown what the hell happened because they are all spouting and shouting lines like "What the fuck WAS that?" and "OH NO!  Tony's dead!"  Who's Tony?  I have no idea.   But apparently he died a gruesome death.  Also somebody named Ava is still out in the marshes and who knows what's happened to her.  Roll the opening credits.  And we get our first gratuitous booby shots.  I guess it's supposed to be Ava romping around the swamp wearing only panties.

Only 5 minutes in.  Boobs.

Shower Boobs.

Playboy Playmate Boobs.  That you never really get to see.  

Our intrepid heroes (?) just happened to have stumbled across a vacated vacation home.  Oh yeah, this takes place on Cape Cod....not that it matters.  They bust into the vacation home, raid the liquor cabinet, whine about being in danger and act like idiotic 20-somethings.  Steve...or Bobby...or whatever the hell his name is....the seriously injured guy......keeps trying to get in blondie's pants.  Cause you know....that's what I'd be thinking about when I'm bleeding out.

One of the guys "goes for help".  I put that in quotation marks because nobody has a cell phone....apparently they were lost in the bog.  So he's gonna run into town and find a phone.  Not to call the cops...oh no....he's going to call his cousin.  Now here's the thing......we still don't know what the hell has happened, but we know that one dude is dead and another is dying.  So calling your cousin for a ride is the obvious answer, right?  He doesn't even call his cousin straight away.  He heads straight for a bar, walks in and sees a bunch of supermodel looking ladies sitting having drinks. So he goes in the bathroom and washing himself up and turns his shirt inside out to hide the blood and dirt and such.  He then saunters on up the the bar, flirts with a girl, buys her a shot and a drink and THEN asks to use to her phone.

Unhappy Boobs. 
Random Girl Boobs

Meanwhile back at the house, bald albino fellas carrying hatchets, tomahawks and other sharp pointy instruments of ouch start taking out the remaining friends.  Blondie takes a shower.  Boobs.  Brunette gets attacked.  Boobs.  Noah's cousin is hanging out with two well endowed girls.  Cue 5 minute montage of Playboy Playmate Jaclyn Swedberg trying on various bras and panties from Victoria Secret's Angel Line.  And she never actually shows her boobs.  Seriously?  You get a Playmate to be in your movie and she doesn't show her boobs?  My guess was lack of budget for expensive boobies.  Whatever.

Anyway, as Mr. Hero runs back to the house, he STOPS to watch a random girl undress through her window.  Boobs.  Are you seeing a pattern here?  Boobs.  Breasts.  Tits.  Hooters, Jugs, Milk Cans, Melons, Knockers, Fun Bags, Dirty Pillows......there are a metric shit ton of boobs!  I haven't seen that many boobs since I found my Dad's Playboy collection as a kid!  As terrible as this movie is....the writing the directing...everything....terrible....you know what's impressive?  Steve Wolsh managed to convince a hell of a lot of girls to show their boobs to the camera.

Bloody Boobs.

Scared Jiggly Boobs

There's fighting between survivors and albino rapist murderers.  The film makes the bold exclamation that it is a return to old school horror with old school gore effects, but to be honest more often than not you're just seeing a bunch of  blood flying around from off screen.  There's some other stuff that sort of happens but none of it makes a damn bit of sense.  I really, wanted to like this film.....I can get past terrible dialog, movie logic and massive plot holes....but to me this just comes across as misogynistic wank material for "aggro" young men.

Bra.  Check.  Panties.  Check.  Giant Rubber Boots,  Check.  

Kane Hodder:  Albino Booby Bandit 

Allegedly this is meant to be the second film in a trilogy, which is why the film starts and ends in abrupt ways that make no sense.  The Star Wars formula is just not working for this.  First of all, Star Wars had enough exposition where you could be put in the "Middle" of the story and you were given enough to follow along and the story would unfold naturally.  Worked beautifully.  Not to mention, it was made in such a way that even if Episodes I - III or Episodes VII - IX were never made, it would be okay because it was a complete story unto itself.  This just plunks you down in the middle of a clusterfuck and never takes the time to unfuck it.  But it does have boobs.

GORE
There's plenty of grue getting thrown around but it doesn't look like blood so much as just sticky black gunk.  Or Muck.  Maybe that was intentional......

T&A
If you love boobs, you've hit the mother load.

MONSTERS
Yes, there are the aforementioned albino boob loving rape monsters.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I really wish that I could recommend this one to you.  If you come across it on Netflix and the Mrs. is out of town....then sure.....give it a go.  Otherwise steer clear.







Sunday, April 19, 2015

Digging Up The Marrow - The Holliston Witch Project

Digging Up The Marrow
2014
D: Adam Green
W: Adam Green

S: Ray Wise, Adam Green, Will Barratt 
Not Rated - Approx 98 Min
ArieScope Pictures


Taglines:
NONE

Alternate Titles:
NONE









"This creature, this one here, I call Vance."

                                                                       -Dekker




I've been a fan of Adam Green's stuff since he burst on the horror scene with Hatchet.  Not only was Hatchet a bad ass slasher flick, but Adam is a fellow Masshole (hailing from Holliston, MA not far from Fitchburg, the town I grew up in.) and us Masshole's have gotta stick together.  So when I came across Digging Up The Marrow, I was rather surprised because somehow it had slipped under my radar.

I picked the disc up when it came out at the end of March and I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and watch it until today.  I had a few minor discussions about it on various podcasts, but by and large I really had no idea what I was getting into.  I'll tell ya, I was not disappointed at all.  It's Green's rather humorous take on the found footage genre.  Only the footage isn't really found.

The premise is rather clever:  Adam and Will Barrat play
themselves.  Ray Wise plays a former Boston police detective (so he claims) named William Dekker that has discovered an underground civilization of monsters and reaches out to Adam and Will to make a film to tell his story.  According to Dekker, these monsters (or "Different People" as he prefers to call them) have an entire society underground that mirrors our own.  But who are these "Different People"?  Well, according to Dekker, they are the
horribly deformed.  Humans born with severe deformities.  They seem to vanish after a certain age.  So where do they go?  To this underground civilization, which Dekker has dubbed "The Marrow".

We follow along as Adam and Will are drawn further into Dekkers world of The Marrow...which may or may not be the creation of a delusional man.  There is some interesting and compelling footage
captured, but Dekker's strict rules of observing the "Different People", his shady behavior and the fact that he lied about his past as a Boston police detective are all working against him....not to mention the fact that the boys actually watch Dekker tamper with their camera set-up around The Marrow.

The film is full of fun cameos by some of Adam's genre friends including directors Tom Holland and Mick Garris.  Tony Todd
makes a cameo as well and there's a humorous scene with Kane Hodder.  When you're not picking out some of your favorite genre personalities, you're being drawn into the fascinating and disturbing world of The Marrow along with Green and Barrat.

I've heard a few complaints that Ray Wise's character detracts from the film because pretty much everyone else is playing themselves.
 Personally, I didn't have a hard time with it.  Sure you look at Dekker and you're like "Whoa, cool!  It's Ray Wise!"  But let's be honest....he's a pretty terrific actor and he plays his part so well that Wise vanishes and all you see is Dekker.




Gore:
Sorry amigo, no gore this time.

T&A:
Nope.  This is no nakedity going on here.  Nakedity.  That's a fun word.

Monsters:
Seriously?  I've told you a bunch of times they prefer to be called "Different People".  And yes.

Final Thoughts:
Love it or hate it, you've got to admit that this is a pretty clever flick.  If you can't get past the whole Ray Wise playing a character thing, think of this as an Augmented Reality Film!  Look at that, I just created a new genre!  Goddamn, I am so ahead of my time.  Seriously, this is a damn cool flick and it's got a few good scares in it while still having that humorous Green touch.  As us Massholes would say:  It's Wicked Pissah.



Saturday, April 18, 2015

Fatty Drives The Bus - On The Tour Bus To Hell

Fatty Drives The Bus
1999
D: Mick Napier
W: Mick Napier

S: Scot Robinson, Joe Bill, Ken Manthey
Not Rated - Approx 82 Min
Annoyance Productions/Covert Creative Group Inc. 

Taglines:
 - Satan's Ride on the Highway To Hell! All Aboard For Mayhem!!

Alternate Titles:
None









"We wouldn't get where we were today, Jimmy, if we laid down every time God swung his cock around."
                                                                       -Satan




I've had this movie on my radar for a very, very long time and the disc has been in my collection for about a decade.  So what made me pull it off the shelf an watch it today?  I have no idea.  But I'll tell you what......it actually surprised me a bit.  I was expecting the usual sorta low budget Troma flick.  While the film is absolutely low budget, it was completely different than I expected.  No gross out gore gags and no rampant nudity.  Instead what I got was a quirky little comedy that tried to spread a message of good will.  Seriously!

This is Satan.  Yep.
It's Satan....er....I mean....Roger!
So the low down is that Satan is low on his soul quota for the month.  When he hears that one of his minions has cancelled the death of a group of tourists, whose tour bus was scheduled to crash (on account of the fact that Jesus was going to be in town), Satan decides to go topside and collect the souls of those tourists himself.  In order to do so, he transforms himself into a friend tour guide named Roger (thanks to the handy dandy Metamorpho Machine that's powered by a demon pedaling and exercise bike.  Hey, I told ya it was quirky!



The Metamorphosis Machine!  Ooooooh!  Aaaahhh!
We're introduced to each of the tourists individually.  There's a young woman whose mother absolutely despises her, constantly reminding her that she ruined her life by being born....along with their friend Bridget (played by a dude).  Bridget is fairly hilarious because the fella playing her plays her as if she's an Andrew Dice Clay wannabe transvestite ("Hey, I'm a beautiful broad!").  There's also a hyper-stereotypical suburbanite couple who are constantly cracking jokes and being generally annoying.  An eccentric rich couple who refuse to get off the tour bus at any of the sights, a couple of guys just out for kicks and one seriously fucked in the head dude that did some bad things to some dogs in the name of science.

"Here's two fives, gimme two tens!"
Bridget is a beautiful broad.
The comedic aspects often fall short and many times seemed very forced, such as the bizarre actions of the eccentric rich couple when we are first introduced to them.  Seemingly twisting, turning and walking about in all directions without aim.  Their walk down their staircase almost started to test my patience with the gag.  There are other gags that play far better, such as the guy who keeps carelessly spending all his money on the most asinine things.  Still rather stupid, but it makes you chuckle at least.


Oh Jesus Christ.  Literally.
I was a bit disappointed to find that no one met any gruesome deaths.  Surely, you would think, a film about Satan coming to claim the souls of oddball tourists would feature some cheap and cheesy gore!  Especially a film put out by Troma.  But the fact of the matter is, there is nothing even remotely gory.  Color me a bit disappointed in that respect.  Quite literally, the film is Satan aka Roger taking these people on a tour of Chicago while some of their personal stories play out a bit.

When you factor in the bizarre and ineffective comedy, the oddball characters and the fact that the acting is pretty terrible, it someone all coalesces into some sort of beautiful mutant butterfly and manages to squeak out some charm.  It certainly isn't a good film by any stretch of the imagination, but would I watch it again?  Yes.  Yes I would.  Would I show it to others?  Again, yes I think I would.

GORE
Nothing.  Not one single solitary drop of the red stuff.

T&A
Nothing.  Not one single solitary boob.  On the plus side there wasn't any obese men running around with their junk jiggling all over the place.  Hey, it's Troma....you come to expect that kinda thing!

MONSTERS
We get to see Satan in his "true form" in the beginning of the film.  Which is basically an emo dude with pink/purple skin, high cheekbones and long black hair.  Meh.  I'll take it.




FINAL THOUGHTS
Look this flick isn't for everyone, that's for damn sure.  You're either going to dig it or you're not.  I really don't think that there's going to be any folks that fall in the middle.  You've gotta be in the mood for some quirky late 90's indie comedy schtick to even consider taking this one on.  This may be best watched with some friends while the adult beverages flow freely!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Dolly Dearest - Sanzian Devil Children Just Wanna Have Fun

Dolly Dearest
1991
D: Maria Lease
W: Maria Lease
S: Denise Crosby, Sam Bottoms, Rip Torn
Rated R - Approx 93 Min
Channeler Enterprises/Dolly Dearest Productions

 Taglines:
- She walks. She talks. She kills.
 - This is where the fairy tale ends and the nightmare begins.
 - It's time to play...
 - A doll with a bad attitude.
 - She has a life of her own. Now she wants yours.
 - To Dolly, slaughtering adults is 'child's play.'




Alternate Titles: (Literal Translations)
Killer Doll - Brazil
The Spawn of Satan - Germany
Playing Kill - Spain
Doll With Which Not Played - Finland
Toys of Terror - Greece
Dolly, The Murderous Spirit - Hungary
The Murderous Doll - Mexico
Beloved Doll - Poland
The Diabolical Doll - Portugal

"Play with this, bitch!"
                                        -Jimmy

I've gotta tell ya....when I sat down to watch Dolly Dearest, I was expecting it to be your standard low budget Child's Play clone.  Instead what I got was a low budget demonic possession/killer doll hybrid flick with Rip Torn!  Imagine my surprise! I happened to DVR this flick off Chiller a while ago on a lark, figuring I'd watch it at some point.  I'd never seen the flick before but it was quite prevalent in the video stores back in the 90's.....I just always seemed to find something else that I wanted to watch more.  Now that I've seen the edited Chiller version, I will have to go back and watch it in it's original format to see if I missed out on anything good.  Probably not, but at least the swears won't be muted!

The Doll isn't even showing sign of possession yet and it's STILL but ugly!


Going into this with virtually no knowledge of the film was quite fun.  When I saw that Denise Crosby was in this, I thought to myself  "Sweet!  She was awesome in Pet Sematary!"  (She played Rachel Creed).  I'm sad to say that she was really phoning in her performance here as Marilyn (The mother of the family.)  Of course most everyone was...except for Rip Torn.  Rip Torn, if you don't know played Maax in The Beastmaster.....but you kids may know him as Zed from the Men in Black series of films or as Patches O'Hoolihan in Dodgeball:  A True Underdog's Story.  He's also been in a metric shit ton of film and TV.  He's pretty much awesome in everything he does, this film included.  Torn plays archaeologist Karl Resnick.

Rounding out the main cast is Sam Bottoms (Lance B. Johnson in Apocalypse Now) as father, Elliot.  Chris Demetrol as brother Jimmy and of course Candace Hutson as little Jessica, whom is the target of the evil spirit/doll in the film.  I've gotta tell ya, from an acting standpoint it was pretty damn rough and Sam Bottoms performance was surprisingly robotic.  Jimmy really cracked me the hell up.  The kid is supposed to be in seventh grade, but flip flops between acting like an eager college student and a smart ass kid.  Still, he was probably the best actor (besides of course Rip Torn) and my favorite character!

Marilyn forces Jessica to apologize to Ultra-Religious Housekeeper™ for attacking her.

Okay, so now that we've got cast and acting abilities out of the way, let's get down to brass tacks here.  The film opens with an archaeologist trying to open a giant stone door.....and BOY does he open it.  The damn thing flies open and crushes him like a nut.  Unfortunately this also unleashes some glowing red animated evil energy, which flies out of the crypt and (through Evil Dead style POV) heads over to the nearby doll factory.  

Enter our family.  Elliot has apparently sunk the family funds into buying said doll factory and the whole family is moving to Mexico so he can make dolls.  What could possibly go wrong, eh?  Upon arrival, the fam checks out their new house (which oddly enough has a human sized dollhouse in the backyard......convenient, isn't it?) and then goes to check out their brand new factory.  Okay well, brand new is not the best way to describe it.  Broken down, busted, abandoned factory is a more accurate descriptor.  Little Jessica spies one of the few remaining dolls and of course Elliot lets her have one.

Jessica cuts her hair to look like Dolly's.......or so she says.

Next thing you know, Jessica is starting to act strange.  Especially when she freaks the fuck out just because a priest is blessing their new house.  Then she starts to push and shove the Ultra-Religious Housekeeper™.  Then Dolly straight up murders Ultra-Religious Housekeeper™  Death by electrocution as she's pushed into a pool of water (is it like a basement well?  I have no idea....it's just like a square pool of water in the basement.  I'm not horribly intelligent so I have no idea why that was there) and then a lightbulb is tossed in.  ZZZZZZZAP!

Meanwhile Jimmy is trying to convince Resnick that he should hire him on as his apprentice.  As a matter of fact, Jimmy is so intrigued by the dig site (which remember is conveniently located right behind the doll factory) that he starts to read up on the Sanzian people that inhabited the area some 900 years before.  Turns out those crazy bastards were trying to create a devil child.  Why?  Who the fuck knows!  They were friggin' nuts, and that's why they're not around anymore.  

Well, wouldn't you know it....turns out that those crazy Sanzians were successful and the evil unleashed from the crypt in the beginning is now inhabiting all the dolls at the factory.  I say ALL the dolls....but really it's like three of them.  Because it's all the same entity possessing all the dolls, they all know what each of the others know even if one of them is away from the others.....say in a house with a little girl.  

HOLY SHIT!  That's just messed up.

Once the dolls animate and come to life it's pure Puppet Master/Child's Play style fun.  It's pretty easy to tell when they've got an actor running around dressed up as the doll....but all in all the effects are pretty well done.  The dolls are pure nightmare fuel with their twisted and grotesque little faces.  There are only two deaths (unless there were more that were cut out of the Chiller version) but it was still fun to watch the little bastards run around and terrorize everyone.

Because I watched the film on Chiller and I'm actually not writing this review on my home computer, I don't have any screencaps of my own, so I had to pillage from a Google search.  Otherwise I would have included a shot of the nifty mummified Devil Child in it's crypt.  Wow....that sounded messed up......sometimes I type weird sentences like that.  One of the perks of reviewing these type of films, I guess!

Gore:
I can't really answer this one honestly because as stated a few times, I watched an edited version on Chiller.  I really should not be reviewing the film without having seen it unedited.  Something tells me that I didn't miss much though.

T&A:
Again.....I doubt that there was any.....but I could be wrong.

Monsters:
Damn right there are monsters.  Creepy ass dolls possessed by a Sanzian Devil Child! 

Final Thoughts:
I regret not watching the unedited film before reviewing and it's not a practice that I'll likely repeat.  Live and learn, I suppose.  I still had a lot of fun with this one.  I watched it with lunch.  So this was more of a Noon Cinephile venture.....but I've been behind the 8-Ball lately so I figured what the hell.  If you haven't seen it yet, by all means check it out!  It's a fun little slice of 90's horror. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

WolfCop - One Man K-9 Unit

WolfCop
2014
D: Lowell Dean
W: Lowell Dean

S: Leo Fafard, Amy Matysio, Sarah Lind 
Unrated - Approx 79 Min
Echolands Creative Group

Taglines:
 - Here Comes The Fuzz
- Dirty Harry...Only Hairier

Alternative Titles:
None









"For your safety you should keep him away from booze.....and donuts"
                                                                                          -Willy

We cinephiles are living in quite an interesting age.  The state of film as it is now is far more self aware than it's been in it's 100 plus year history.  Those of us who grew up with the magic of video stores and VHS tapes have grown up and some of us are now making our own movies.  Movies that we wished we could have seen in our youth.  Enter WolfCop.  While it doesn't strive to emulate the 70's or 80's outright,  it wears it's influences on it's sleeve.

Officer Lou Garou to the rescue......

Jess, the bartender.  She's got really nice............um....teeth.

Officer Lou Garou (A play on the french word for werewolf:  loup-garou) is an alcoholic cop who stumbles into trouble when he is turned into a werewolf by a cult in the woods.  Suddenly Lou's senses are through the roof and he becomes a super cop and one man K-9 unit!  Lou's taking down the bad guys that he used to turn a blind eye too all the while trying to figure out how to deal with his new powers.

Transformations are a bit......messy

Willy...the local crackpot becomes Lou's right hand man.

I've been a fan a werewolf films for as long as I can remember and I'll be honest with you, for the past decade or so, it's been pretty rough going with a slew of half ass flicks that feature terrible CGI transformation scenes and laughable wolfmen.  Sure they're fun for what they are and good for a laugh, but I've been really longing for a good werewolf transformation.  WolfCop delivers that.  Interestingly, instead of Lou just growing hair and having his body metamorphosize (I think I just made that word up......fuck it....I'll go with it!) he literally tears away his skin to reveal the wolf underneath.  This isn't the first time that this has been done.....the werewolf in Van Helsing comes to mind.  But where as that was all done with CG, WolfCop is all practical effects and they're very well done.

It's The Fuzz!

Lou's werewolf form is also quite excellent, calling to mind the original WolfMan, which is a welcome change as well.  Many films try to either make werewolves too human and just add some extra hair around the actors face and hands along with some clawed fingernails.  Others go full wolf.  It's nice to have another balance wolf/man hybrid.  It's an awesome sight to see WolfCop in a torn up police uniform fighting baddies....ripping off their faces and severing limbs and such.

If you're in the mood for something different and you love werewolf flicks, then WolfCop is a must.  It would have fit right in on a video store shelf at Video Paradise back in 1987 and it's a welcome addition to my collection.  Here's hoping that WolfCop II comes to fruition as promised!

Did I mention WolfCop has a WolfMobile?????

You got FACED son!

Gore
You want gore?  I got your gore right here for ya.  You've got face ripping, decapitations, limb severing, messy werewolf transformations.....you will not want for the red stuff while watching WolfCop!

T&A
You like boobs?  Trick question, of course you do!  Boobs too!  We're two for two so far!

Monsters
Well, DUH!  It's called WolfCop!  What you got here is a big ol alcoholic lycanthrope with a badge and a gun and he's not afraid to use 'em....or his claws.  Whoa!  Three for three!  It's got the Don Dohler seal of approval!  Blood, Boobs & Beasts!  See what I did there?

Final Thoughts
What can I say that I haven't already said to convince you to go and watch WolfCop?  Seriously!  What more do you want?  Stop reading....go on Amazon....or hell, it's Spring....jump in your car, drive to Best Buy and BUY WOLFCOP!  DO IT NOW!